To my enemy disguised as a friend…

You have me.

You have my life. You have my thoughts. You have my fears. You have my courage.

When I was eight-years-old my biggest fear was the dark, and after meeting you… my biggest fear is being the person in the relationship who loves more and cares more. Who is willing to drop everything for you. Who is willing to ignores stop signs, casual conversations and small comments like, “why are you friends with her? She is such a bitch…”

They don’t know you behind closed doors… They don’t know your insecurities, fears, struggles. They don’t know about how we laugh when watching our favorite shows, how we dance like no one is watching or we trust in each other with everything. But my dear, things have changed. You have owned my mind for four years now and I can’t do it.

There is one person in my life who says we have to be friends, that we have known each other for a long time and it would not be good to abandon each other. But, I see myself getting smaller and smaller. I am sorry you had to use me to feel better about yourself. I am sorry that your moments of victory will always come before mine. I am sorry that after years of me asking you what’s new you never asked me. I am sorry that when I was venting to you, you were always on your phone. I am sorry that you think your future is brighter. I am sorry that I am crumbling. I am sorry that when I said no to lunch with your friends you smirked knowingly.

You see- I don’t owe you anything and I have wasted ten years of my life believing I did. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry that I feel alone. I feel sorry that I feel sorry. You may have it all and if you want the crown you can have it but I have all I need and for now, that’s enough.

 

 

 

 

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The Unknown

Counting the things that make me feel at ease. 1,2,3… Breathe in breathe out. Thoughts coming in a mile a minute. I feel my heart racing. My legs tremble. I can’t breathe. I look around and no one has noticed.

No one has noticed that I am anxious. No one has noticed that my thoughts and feelings are eating me up. “What if you dont become a writer and you have to live the rest of your life working in an office 9-5…” “What if you do become a writer and no one likes your writings?” What did I do? Why are these thoughts attacking me.

  
I look around me. People are laughing, speaking, learning… And here I am hoping that no one notices me running. For miles and miles… Letting the air hit my lungs. Letting my feet take full control over my destiny.  

“Madness…” someone said. And I agreed. I am mad. I see the clock turn into a teacup… I am mad. Is madness an excuse to leave or is it an opportunity to create greatness? I think of my favorite book, “Alice in Wonderland” and I ran.

Catch up…

  
@JaneElizabethRC

Sorry, I am not sorry

Today, I woke up and after three months, I am finally writing again. I woke up feeling so much like myself again. Unsure. Insecure. Imperfect. Me. That after months of thinking, “yeah, but he doesn’t like girls who curse..” I say, FUCK you. That after months of thinking, “yeah, but I have to go to the gym because he says I am fat,” I ate a hamburger with fries, looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “Damn, I look good.” That after months of him calling me stupid. I think.

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I woke up today, breathing in the sunlight. I made my coffee, and I let it get cold just the way I like it. I painted my toe nails white, and my finger nails pink because I like it. I woke up, for the first time in three months, being sure of myself. Knowing that you don’t owe me. Knowing that I love you so much that it hurts. Knowing that I ignore the things that you say to make me feel bad because, baby, you are going through such a hard time.

Baby, I get it. Your mom is sick. Baby, I get it. You are all alone. Baby, you are right, I am too ugly for other men. Baby, you are right, I hate running but I love the running shoes you got me for my birthday. Baby, you are so sweet. Baby, you woke up at five to make me coffee? And you complained about it the entire day, I am so ungrateful, you are the sweetest. Baby, I go to work at six and get back home at eight, and you watched a Sopranos re-run, but baby, aren’t YOU tired? Let me cook for you.

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Today, after three months I realized that I love myself more than I will ever love you. You think I am ugly, fat, stupid. You are God-like, you are so handsome, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, right, baby? NO. Fuck you. I am the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am awesome.

In spite of everything, I survived. Today, I wrote for the first time in three months… and here is what I wrote. Dear Jane, You are beautiful. You are sweet. You are smart. And I may be insecure. unsure. and imperfect. But I love me that way.

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@JaneElizabethRC

And We Made History….

Writing you letters has become a thing of the past now. Your name barely fills my mind. Eyes that where once the author of my mind have now closed, imitating the darkness of my memories, who in time will be erased.

You may ask, why the sudden need to write you a letter? Well, my letters will not longer have your name or your address. My letters will no longer belong to you. My writings, my pen, my paper will no longer know your name or of you.

When you left me, you took every piece of memory that I had with you. Every song that we danced to turned to words that burn my skin, blame it on the night. Dont blame it on me. Jokes that laugh on their own because they have known to laugh with. Time that passes by, faster than before.

I am trying to remember something about you. Something that I may not have noticed before. How you never said hi to my friends, but I knew that. How you never said how you felt about me, but I knew that. How you never came to see me that night when I asked you to, but I knew that.

The strange thing is that there are some small things that haunt me. The smell of energy drinks will always have your name. The weird jokes will always have your laugh.

I, also, would like to extend my apology. The city of Manhattan will always have my name. The “J” curves around Central Park in the winter. The “A” smiles along Grand Central with every foreign hello. The “N” hides in the pizzeria where our butterflies flew. And the “E” with a small kiss lives forever on your lips.

This is the part where I say goodbye. To our laughs, to our memories, and to you.

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– Jane Elizabeth (@JaneElizabethRC)

Everything That I Have Learned From Living In New York City

“One belongs to New York instantly; one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.” 

Tom Wolfe

New York is like a lost lover that I have run into. With every honk from a taxi, my heart beats faster and faster. With every light, my eyes shine with the thoughts of a thousand lovers. And with every day that passes, I learn a  new lesson.

I learned that to be the most populated city in America, it is the place where you will feel the most lonely. And with everything, you will meet the most amazing and unique that you will want to keep in your life forever. I learned that not everything is what it seems. That every time you judge a book by its cover, you play and ignorant’s game that becomes burned after reading the first chapter.

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That life moves quickly, but if for a minute you stop and breathe, you will see beauty that you never imagined. A beauty that isn’t worth missing due to the constant running. That walking around Central Park while drinking coffee is better than any psychologist’s recommendation.

That there is nothing wrong with wanting to dress for destiny. That New York is a city worth dressing up more. And you wear the highest heels that  you own, so you can be able to see the Empire State Building better. And that sometimes, you need to wear red lipstick to gain a bit of courage.

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That money will never buy happiness and you may, at times, not be able to buy the things you really want. But the best things in life are free and laughs will never have a high price. That with every day that passes, you realize that you are not the person you once were and that life is always in constant change.

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That no one can control your dreams. If you want to fly, become a lawyer, or singer, you can do it. That through Broadway, all of your dreams come to life and present themselves in a magical form. That every opportunity is a ticket with destination to adventure. That you will get lost, and when it happens, you will find amazing places that you will want to add to your “Places to Re-Visit” list.

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That the Subway was once your biggest fear and now has become your favorite form of conversation. You see people that once only existed in children’s books. That with every stop, everything becomes different, new, strange, yet enticing.

I learned that love isn’t a game, but a blessing. That you can’t drown the butterflies in your stomach, you have to protect them. And you can’t always reject or avoid love. That when it happens, and you feel as if you can touch the stars, remember, to come down and touch the ground. Because the man that has your heart is Manhattan, and there is no better man to love.

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– Jane Elizabeth (@JaneElizabethRC)

The scars by: Love

“Whoever has loved bears a scar” Alfred De Musset

It is known that many tribes use scars as a form of identification, a symbol of beauty or a coming of age ceremony. In the game of love, scars appear for the very same reasons. If you are strong and courageous enough the scars fade. The less willing we are to move on and learn from love, the more visible these scars appear.

I know I always say this is the last time I will talk to you. I know I say I want you to move on… to find the blonde from the sixth floor who has enough dreams for two. But please, let me talk today. Today is the day I tell you what aches to come out.

All I want is to say is goodbye and  that I will be more than happy to live in the hell of slowly forgetting you. I check your Instagram everyday and I hope that the picture isn’t there. The one where you have your arms around her and a caption that reads, “Ningú més que tu” (Catalan for “no one  more than you”).

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I just want to know… does she kiss like I do? Does she play with your beard like I used to? Do her fingers dance with yours like mine did? I am sorry. All I ask is that you remember me. When it’s three in the morning and you share a bed with nostalgia. When you put the cup of water on your bedside table, the one you can’t sleep without, think of me.

I kept that city that you love. I kept the city where no one would tell us how, when, or where to kiss. Sometimes when I am in a crowded room, I stare at the door and hope you will walk in. You never do. And quite frankly, I feel as if we need to reintroduce ourselves. I am nothing but a memory that you store in the back of your mind… and you are nothing but my muse. But this fantasy just lives in a bottle of alcohol.

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Our lips signed a contract and swore to meet again. Even if we aren’t in the same country, I still think we will meet again. One day, when I go to the supermarket to get creamer for my coffee, I will bump into you. You will be wearing a suit, and your eyes will be brighter than ever. I play this scenario time and time again in my head. Sometimes you talk to chat, others you walk past me like a stranger. And on the strange days… you and I begin again.

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I never knew I could feel this way. Wherever you go, wherever that is, know I wont follow you anymore. Im not going to stand between you and the girl of your dreams. Im not asking you to love me, I am not asking you to caress my strong attitude. All I am asking is that you remember me.

t’he trobat a faltar (Ive missed you…)

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– Jane Elizabeth (@JaneElizabethRC)

Jane Elizabeth: Liebster Award

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I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award by two people this week! I’ll be answering both sets of questions in separate parts and then creating my own. I’ll then be nominating several other blogs to complete the tag!
The person who nominated me is Janette Garcia from JanetteAmelia. She is a beautiful blogger with posts similar to mine! I love reading her everyday adventures, & thoughts!
Here are the questions!
1. How did you get into blogging?
Moving to New York can feel really lonely, and even having my best friend with me, sometimes I felt like I needed to rant. Not having my parents here is hard because it forces me to become more independent. Anyway, I have always loved to write, and every time I am with my friends I think, “we need our own reality show. Like, why do such weird things happen to us?” Being the fan of Carrie Bradshaw that I am, I decided to start a blog.
2. What’s your favorite topic to blog about?
I do like telling stories about night outs, but my favorites have to be random thoughts. I love writing letters to people, and just random paragraphs of things that I think. (I really should write more of those..)
3. What’s your favorite time of the day?
I love 8:30AM-9:00AM, when my suite mates are asleep and I can drink my coffee in the kitchen, listening to TEDTalks (literally, right now).
4. Do you have any pets?
I do! I have 4 dogs, farm animals & two parrots, but they are all back home!
5. What is the last song you listened to?
The last song I listened to was, “Gasoline” by Troye Sivan
6. Best movie you watched in the last year?
Paddington! I am not a huge fan of movies, so I don’t watch movies often.
7. What’s one life lesson you’ve learned over the years?
If you don’t remind yourself how beautiful, amazing, smart, successful, etc. No one will.
8. If you could travel anywhere, where would it be?
Ireland… wow what a scenery! I would really love to go there! And I will, someday!
9. Who is your celebrity crush?
Jensen Ackles
tumblr_inline_mkcr4yaYMA1qz4rgp 10. Favorite sports team?
I am not a sports girl, sorry!
The second person to nominate me is Mari from Creativity is the New Black. She is a lifestyle blogger that keeps you on your toes with amazing and different topics!
Here are the questions!
  • If you were a kitchen utensil what would you be?

Probably a frosting spatula because why not 🙂 its frosting!

  • Apple electronics or Other?

Apple!

  • Describe your most humiliating moment in just 3 words or phrases

ID. Denied. Foodplace.

  • Something you have no opinion about?

Other people’s lives & how they chose to live them as long as they do good & respect others.

  • Dream vacation if money was no object?  

Ireland or Spain. Just spend a  month or a year in a different country, absorb and learn as much as I can.

  • What do you need?  

To go to class… I am so late.

  • A random childhood memory?

Dancing to “Once Upon A December” from Anastasia with my older brother.

  • Favorite museum?

I have yet to go to any museums. I am going soon, I promise!!

  • One thing you wish people knew about you.

That I like personal space…. there are literally five seats in the kitchen, please don’t chose the one directly next to me. Oh, and I really really really don’t like listening to people chew. (this may or may not be to my suite mate who is right next to me)

  • What book you want to live in its setting?

Harry Potter, Hogsmeade

  • Describe a perfect day.

In the kitchen, drinking coffee and watching TEDTalks. Having a nice meal, reading a good book & having good time with my friends.

  • Why do you blog?

For the love of writing & the fear of forgetting.

  • Bonus – Do you like tags like this?
  • Yes, I think they are fun!

I tag the following people: Jennifer Jayne, Jessica Marie, & Emily!

Here are the questions, darlings!

1. How do you take your coffee or tea?

2. What is your favorite writing spot?

3. What is a book that changed your life?

4. What is a song that describes you?

5. What is your favorite quote to live by?

6. Who is your favorite author?

7. If you could live anywhere for a year, where would it be and why?

8. What is something you wish you said but never did?

9. What is your favorite thing about yourself?

10. What is your favorite post that you’ve written? (could you link it, please)

Cannot wait to read your answers! Have a lovely day!

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– Jane Elizabeth (@JaneElizabethRC)

Yes, it was fun!